Building resources
I try to be good to me, to build new thought patterns, new coping mechanism, new behaviors. But when something happens where I would really need these new patterns, I am struggling not to stick to the old ones. This is frustrating and annoying.
My therapist explained it like this:
The mind works a lot like traffic. If there is a lot of traffic in one direction you first get a path, then a road, then a highway. If you are used to react or behave in a certain way, think a certain kind of thoughts, you are building highways. So in every situation your brain takes the road that is easiest and best known.
If you want to change your behavior or thinking patterns it is like hacking a path through the underbrush. It is work. And once you did it, it does not stay done. The underbrush creeps back in. It needs maintenance.
I spent decades building the highways, paving the roads, putting up the lights and making travel as smooth as possible. So it is to be expected that making new roads for new thoughts, new patterns takes a while. When things happen that stress me in some way it is like the brambles get a push and my axe gets heavier. While just one step away the good old highway calls.
So it is no use beating myself up over finding it hard to stick to the new patterns. I can only keep working on the path. And every step I take along the new path takes me further from the highway. Every stone I lay on the new path makes it harder for the underbrush to take over.
This is work that I need to keep at when I am doing okay.
It is too easy to let things slide when I am well. To think that things are running smoothly and I am out of the woods. But that is not how this works, because the new ways are still new, the underbrush still close, the highways still shiny. It will take many years for nature to reclaim the highways, if ever. And it will take years to make the new paths comfortable and safe. So I need to keep up the maintenance. But how?
Accepting emotions
Starting with a tough one. Repressing emotions might be a short term solution but is a long term problem. This is nothing new. Beating yourself up for emotions or trying to feel differently is making things worse. Also nothing new. But how do you accept your emotions? Embrace them, even?
In case you need to hear this: Your feelings are valid. It is okay to feel how you feel.
No rationalization on your part changes that. The question of whether or not your emotions are adequate, in proportion or well founded does simply not apply. You feel how you feel and your feelings are valid.
You might want to feel differently. You might not want to act on your emotions. You might be embarrassed, frustrated or shocked by what you feel. Still your emotions are valid. They are there and they are okay. You are allowed to feel how you feel.
It has taken me a long time to forgive me for still having depressive episodes. To allow myself to be angry about something that I understand. To not blame myself for being vulnerable.
But this is so, so important. Maybe the most important part to learn.
If this is something you struggle with, you can make it a bit easier for you.
Enlist help. Tell someone who you trust that you need to hear that it is okay.
Many people have told me “don’t cry”, trying to help. This put pressure on me. I felt like crying and was told not to. For me it is more helpful if someone just offers me a tissue. This says “I care about you and want to help” instead of “don’t cry”. You might prefer something different, but only you know what can help you feel okay with how you feel. Tell someone.
If you do not have someone handy, tell yourself. If you need something tangible, maybe get a pillow or a cuddle toy and write on it what you will want to hear when you struggle with accepting your emotions. Practice telling yourself. When you feel proud of yourself for something that your brain wants to tell you is nothing special: Tell yourself that your feeling is valid and be proud.
When you feel ridiculously happy about completing a level in your game: Enjoy this feeling.When you feel sad that someone canceled a get together: Yes, you are allowed to feel sad, even if you canceled last time.
If you feel hurt because someone forgot your birthday: If this hurts you then it hurts you. This is okay.
If you are angry because someone misgendered you: Yes, be angry. It is valid.
Do not let the question if some emotion is appropriate diminish your joys or complicate your pain.
Accepting your emotions as valid will let you feel better about experiencing them. Hurt will still not be fun, but it will come without added guilt about feeling hurt.E
Exercise: Look at your feelings. Like, right now. How do you feel? Bored? Okay. Annoyed? Okay. Intrigued? Okay. Excited? Okay. Sad? Okay. However you feel right now is valid and right.
Examine emotions
Once you start to allow yourself to feel how you feel you will likely find it easier to unpack emotions. I sometimes get angry when I watch one of these happy family movies because it reminds me that my family is different. I sometimes get hit by a wave of despair when I read a romance novel, because I still want to find that special someone and get married and do not believe that this will happen. Knowing why some things trigger certain emotions helps me both with accepting the emotion and dealing with it.
It also helps me to watch out in these situations so I can notice the building emotion before it becomes a problem.
Knowing what my emotion is caused by makes it easier to address the cause instead of the trigger. To yell at the right person, so to say.
Depending on what you are dealing with you can tackle this on your own, with friends or professional help. It is like fixing things at home. If the tap drips, you can see if you can just tighten something to make it stop. Or you need a friend to help you move the furniture to get a better look. Or you need a plumber if it is a bigger problem. No one would expect you to open up the wall and repair a water pipe on your own. Please do not expect yourself to deal with trauma, chronic pain or mental illness on your own. It is the responsible move to get help, if you can.
Something else to keep in mind is that you can also examine other emotions. Happiness, joy, pride. Which situations give you the warm fuzzies? Make you feel safe? When does your heart feel full to bursting? When do you feel strong? And what can you do to anchor these feelings, to remember them when you don’t feel all that shiny?
Exercise: Remember one situation where you were really happy with yourself. Dive into this feeling. Is there a special word, gesture or item you can connect to this? A picture from a vacation? The name tag of a convention where you felt at home? A memento of a success? A silly gift from a friend? Dig out that item and hold it in your hand while experiencing the happy feels. Put the item somewhere you can find it again easily. Or in plain sight to remind you more constantly.
Use affirmations
Affirmations can come from the outside and from the inside. Affirmations from the outside are also known as compliments. How do you feel when someone says something really nice to you? When someone compliments your looks, praises your work, thanks you for help, calls you amazing? Do you feel happy and say “Thank you”, maybe even with an “It was not easy, but I really put a lot into this”? If so: Well done, you! This is cool.
Or do you play it down? Do you say “That was nothing”, or “Don’t mention it”? Maybe you even feel uncomfortable, like you do not deserve the compliment?
Maybe it would help to change the perspective? Look at it from the point of view of the person giving you a compliment. They saw something that gave them joy. Maybe they liked your appearance, maybe your competence, maybe your kindness, you did something to make their day a bit nicer, a bit easier or lighter. They see a reason to tell you this by complimenting you or thanking you.
Respect and accept their experience of the situation. You made a difference in their day. This is awesome, if the compliment is welcome and a genuine compliment.
Affirmations also come from the inside, from yourself. In many areas we learn that understatement is the way to go, that you are supposed to be humble and not prideful – especially if you were socialized as a girl or woman. There is a vast gulf between taking honest pride in your achievements or your talents and boasting, between being pleased with something and rubbing it in, between knowing your worth and being haughty.
Tell yourself the things you need to hear.
Make it easy for you to tell you nice things. My computer password is an affirmation. If you choose a phrase and just do the initial letters and stuff you can use every affirmation you want. I kick ass like one great superhero (Ikal1>sh). I rock this job from here to the moon. I am unstoppable in my control over the accounts. No one is as cute as I am at the keyboard.
It can be outrageous. No one will ever hear this phrase. Mine is over the top and it makes me smile every time I log in.
What else can you do? When you finish a task and cross it off your list you can tell yourself, out loud, “Good job” or “Go me”. If this is hard to remember you can stick a post it note on your to do list with a “One down? Well done, you!” or get yourself a set of gold star stickers and stick one beside every finished task. Or, if you do not work with lists, stick a star in your calendar or journal for everything done. Or draw a gold star, as an environmentally friendly option.
When you check your appearance before leaving the house you can tell yourself that you are looking good. When this is hard you can use window color to write “I love you!” or “Hello beautiful” on the mirror. When you know you have a difficult task ahead, like tidying the living room, take a minute the night before and write yourself a nice card saying “You’ve got this!” maybe adding an “Indeed I did!” when you are done. Even without other people to support you, you can cheer yourself on.
One thing I am working on is requesting affirmation or complimenting myself while talking to others. This is hard. You are not supposed to be fishing for compliments, right?
One way that works for me is humor. So when someone at work thanks me for solving a problem I smile and wink and say “Well, I am awesome”. The usual reaction is “Indeed you are”. This works mostly because I work in a very friendly environment and I am cute. Other people use a “What would you ever do without me?” in much the same way.
The fun thing is that the more often I say this, the more I realize how often I say it. How often people ask me to solve a problem and how often I can do that. So apparently I really am really good at my job. And even if I say it jokingly, I say it. And I slowly get more comfortable saying it.
The last time I felt like I was throwing a metric ton of personal issues at my loved one and asking them to be okay with me being a red hot fire truck of a mess, I added “I know I am complicated. But I am worth it.“
Halfway hoping to sell it, halfway because I actually am.
They answered that indeed I was.
Most people, especially those who care about you, will react positively. But of course there is always the risk of someone saying “Wow, you are mighty full of yourself” or being annoyed with you, or intimidated by you, which brings their own bundle of weird reactions. This is something best tried in a friendly setting.
Exercise: Start a list with things you like about yourself. This can be anything. There is at least one thing to be proud of that you can put on your list very single day: “I made it through the day and I am still here”. This is no mean feat.
You can easily combine affirmations with thankfulness. Listing three things a day that you are thankful for can be augmented by listing at least one thing a day that you liked about yourself. This way you have a regular exercise that makes you feel good at least once a day. Make sure not to attempt too many exercises at once.
Learn to be a disappointment
This is something I read in a magazine and it really struck a chord with me. How often have I done something only not to disappoint someone else? I put in the extra hour at work, went to the family gathering, ate the dessert, wrote the card, cleaned my place, finished a course, just so I would not disappoint someone. This can be a good thing. But it can also be a bad thing. When you do things that are outside your current abilities, outside your current energy and cope. When you hurt yourself in order not to disappoint others.
When you realize that you are about to do something only not to disappoint others, ask yourself two questions.
1. Will it really be a disappointment?
- When you cannot make it to a party the person who invited you may be sad. But there will be a lot of other people and fun will be had anyway. If it is a distant friend the disappointment will be small, if it is a close friend they might actually prefer if you took care of yourself. And if not: why are they close friends?
- When you do not finish the presentation tonight but tomorrow morning it will most likely not make too much of a difference.
- When you stay at home instead of meeting the family because you have a cold your family will be sad, but apart from them hopefully wanting you to take care of yourself they also do not want to catch your cold.
- When your partner wants sex and you don’t they should prefer it when you are open about it. If they don’t, er, see under “Control your surroundings”.
- People who actually care about you will support you in defending your boundaries and taking care of yourself. People who do not care about you might not be disappointed if you do not make the extra effort.
2. What if?
- Your boss would have liked to have the presentation first thing in the morning. You would have to put in an extra hour tonight to get it done. So, what if you don’t? Will they just be unhappy or will they get in trouble? Will it be your problem?
- If you are supposed to witness a wedding, the couple will be disappointed if you have to cancel. Will they find someone else? Probably. Will they cease to be your friends? Probably not.
- If you don’t agree to chair a convention, the people asking you will be disappointed. And maybe they have no other person in mind. Is this really your problem?
Some of these things might seem outrageously selfish. But you are the only person who really knows your limitations at any given time. You are the only one who can decide if something is too much. You are your last line of defense. Don’t let yourself down. Because taking care of yourself comes before taking care of others. Rescue swimmers keep the rescued person between themselves and any obstacles for their own protection lest they both drown. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Learn to be a disappointment. Give others a chance to know and respect your boundaries. If they are not willing to do so, you can explain why these are your boundaries, hoping they understand – or maybe see if you can put some distance between them and you.
Exercise: Look at your to-do list. Is there anything on it that is only there because you do not want to disappoint someone? Can you contact the person and tell them that you are struggling with this commitment? Can you say no?
If this is too hard for now: Next time someone asks you to do something that you do not immediately and completely feel good about agreeing to, tell them you will think about it and you will get back to them within the week. Think about it. Can you do it? Do you want to? If both is yes, good. If one or both is no, say no. If that is too hard for now: say that you can do it if you get help. This can be help getting to an event they want you to attend or help buying the ingredients for the cake they want you to bake or compensation for the props they want you to build. Meet yourself halfway.
Appreciate your progress
When I am in a bad place I sometimes struggle with the feeling that nothing is changing, that I am not getting any better, that the whole endeavor is utterly pointless. Writing things down helps me a lot. When I look at entries I wrote three, two or even one year ago, I can see how far I’ve come.
I have gotten better at appreciating my progress. When something happens that would have thrown me two years ago, I can see the change. When I run down the stairs I remember how I had to slowly limp down for years when I had my tendinitis.
How do you measure your progress?
You can write a mood or pain journal, you can document your intake of “at need” medication, you can set aside a certain time a day to take stock of how you feel.
You can ask yourself “If today had happened two years ago, how would I have coped”? There are a dozen small things that show progress that are so easy to overlook. A while ago I needed at least half an hour to leave my home because I had to check, double check and triple check every switch to make sure everything that can be turned off was turned off, every window was closed, the door was locked. I do not do this anymore. When I take the time to look back I see the difference and can really appreciate being able to leave the lights on when I just nip out to take out the garbage.
It is easy to focus only on the things that still need work. This way it seems like there is just an endless string of stuff that needs doing, which makes it look like you are not moving forward.
Exercise: Take a breath and look at the road behind you. Maybe even literally. When I am walking uphill I sometimes take a break and look at the rise already behind me to see how far I have come. You know the mountains you scaled. Take a moment to appreciate what you survived, what you achieved. Look both at today and in the longer distance. This can be personal growth, this can be relationship work, this can be household matters, health, fitness, skills… appreciate what you achieved. Take pride in the road already traveled.
Control your Surroundings
Work, social situations, family, visits to the doctor, public transport or going to the store, there are always other people. In many situations you have no control about what people you need to interact with, in others, you do.
If you are in a toxic relationship this will drain your energy.
If you meet toxic behaviors in friends, family or doctors it will drain your energy.
If random people make toxic remarks it will drain your energy.
So, what is “toxic” and how do you defend against it?
Not everyone experiences the same things as toxic. The same person, the same behavior that is good for me can hurt you. People are different, needs are different, vulnerabilities are different. Some things are more or less universal, but some things are not.
In general I would say that something that stresses you on a regular basis, that makes it hard for you to accept yourself, that denies your reality, that puts unreasonable pressure on you, that repeatedly triggers you could be considered toxic.
But what to do about people that constantly drain or hurt you?
That depends. If it is some random person there is not much you can do. The effort that goes into addressing the issue is higher than the probable reward. So I would quote Dean Winchester: “Be like Elsa: let it go.” Easier said than done, I know.
If it is someone you run into more regularly there are options.
Talk about it. I know, from early on I got told not to show others when they hurt me because that makes me vulnerable. But honestly, I am already vulnerable. And chances are that quite a few people hurt me by accident, maybe even while trying to help. I try to pick a situation where I am not currently hurt to address the issue and tell the person that their behavior hurts me.
- This can be telling a doctor that you do not feel like they are taking your problems seriously.
- This can be waiting a bit to calm down before telling a friend that a remark they made got to you.
- This can be telling a loved one that when they always say “I don’t want to talk about it” you feel shut out and insecure.
Most people will actually try to not make things harder for you.
But what if you do not feel like you can talk about it? Or if you tried it and the other person told you not to police their language? Or it just keeps happening?
Sometimes you can ask a mediator to step in and help with the communication. But this is not always possible and also not always promising. Sometimes you can take a step back. Move from being friends to being acquaintances. You do not have to discuss this if you do not want to. You can just choose to share less. To keep a bit more distance. And you do not owe anyone a debate about this.
This can also work in a professional setting. Keep talks centered about work or about hobbies or other “safe” topics. Deflect questions with “Let us not talk about me, how was your weekend?” or with “Oh, the usual. Now about this conference…”.
In some cases you might have to walk away. Cut the ties to a family member. See a different doctor. Look for a different job. Yes, this is hard. And yes, this will also cost energy. This is where you need to calculate: Will it cost you more to walk away or to stay? Can you get help with either? Can you get strength elsewhere to compensate?
I had to walk away from a friend I made in therapy because we constantly were at odds about topics like the gender pay gap, transgender people, gendering in general, intersex and non binary people. She did not believe in any of this. And she complained a lot about all the fuss and people crippling the language. It got so bad that it tainted everything we had in common. So we parted. It hurt and I miss her badly, but we both could not see past this. Which is sad, but happened.
Taking care of yourself, watching your boundaries, keeping harmful influences at bay, will probably cost you. People will be surprised, maybe annoyed if you are suddenly no longer available for all things at all times, when you are no longer 100 % reliable and convenient, when you put yourself first. But if you don’t take care of yourself it will cost you more. Your health, your happiness, your chance to heal. And you are worth it. And not every cost will be permanent. Some people find a way back in your life when both of you have evolved a bit.
Exercise: Look in the mirror. Look into your eyes. Breathe. Tell yourself “I am worth the effort.“