Let’s talk about Self-Harm
Content notes: bullying, self-harm, mention of sexual abuse and rape
Introduction
In the course of dealing with my mental health issues, last year I saw a new to me psychiatrist. This, of course, included telling my life’s story again. Tedious but also helpful, as each doctor or each therapist asks about different things, has different takes.
This one asked, “What about self-harm?”
I shrugged. “I did that. Cutting myself. It was helpful at the time.”
“And now?”, he asked.
“Oh no.” I waved it off. “I am done with that.”
“Not so fast,” comes the unexpected answer. “There is more than one kind of self-harm, you know?”
This remark has struck a chord and I keep spotting ways in which I have, indeed, kept self harming.
In this book I will tell you what got me into self harm, what I got out of it, and what different, more subtle ways I have adopted to harm myself, when I thought I was done with it. And I have thought about what I could do to treat myself better.
I am writing about what I learned through my own experience, in therapy and between, both in order to process things and, even more so, so that other people can see that they are not alone in this and can maybe relate to what I learned. I am writing so that we can have discussions about topics that, for too long, have been ignored.
I am not claiming to cover all the reasons and motivations that drive people to self-harm, I can mostly speak for myself and maybe a little for the people I have talked to.
I am also not claiming to have a perfect answer on how not to.
I can only say that for me, understanding in which ways I am harming myself, was a huge step towards treating myself better.
Table of Contents
- What is the point of Self-Harm?
Being different
Dealing with the pain
It was never about hurting me
Second hand additions - Other types of Self-Harm
Skin picking
Postponing eating until I feel sick (not on purpose)
Staying up too late
Amassing too much overtime
Dropping out of contact with friends
Not calling in sick when I feel awful
Not asking for help when I need it
Casual sex for the wrong reasons
Denying myself joy
Trash talking myself
Switching to “Auto Pilot”
Pretend everything is well - What to do if you notice Self-Harm?
Do you harm yourself in any way?
Do you see evidence of Self-Harm in others?
Acknowledgements
As usual, I had help. I thank Haleigh (@haleigh_peck) and especially Ana and Josie (@ana_josie) from fiverr for excellent help and feedback.
I also want to thank my friends (who can also be family) for making me feel safe enough to write about this.