Saving and generating energy

We all know that doing things that we enjoy can give us a boost of energy.

I often find myself in the situation where I do not have the energy or the motivation or discipline to get started on something I enjoy, when everything seems too much effort. And I know I am not alone in this. Sometimes sleep can help, but most often lack of sleep is more symptom than cause. Fatigue, exhaustion, chronic pain, executive dysfunction, resignation, there are multiple reasons for me to feel like not doing anything. Or wanting to, but just not being able.

One thing that has helped me here is to recognize that self care is not the all or nothing situation that I thought it was. Because there are a lot of things that I can just do halfway.

So what are the things I need to take care of on a daily basis and how can I reduce the stress these things cause me? I would say the basic things are personal hygiene, feeding myself, exercise, social contact and work.

Personal hygiene

One issue for me is personal hygiene, as I have greasy hair and oily skin that need taking care of. So I ought to shower every day. But if I do not feel up to taking a shower I can maybe take a bath, which to me is less taxing. If that is too much I can just wash my hair in the sink if I need to look presentable. If that is too much, then dry shampoo might tide me over. If I just need to go shopping I can put on a cap.

If brushing my teeth is too much I can use mouthwash. Or one of these special chewing gums.

There is almost always a shortcut. If you can let go of the expectation that you always have to do everything perfectly, which is hard. This is not only conserving energy, but also something that gives me a boost.

When I do something halfway, I do not have to feel like a failure that cannot get anything done, but I can say “I washed my hair today”. Which might not sound like much but makes a world of a difference.

Feeding myself

If I feel like doing the shopping and cooking a meal? Fine. But for me that is not par for the course. When things are going well, I cook a lot of food on the weekend, so I have something prepared for the coming week that I just need to reheat in the evening.

In the past weeks, things have not gone well.

If I do not feel like shopping and cooking and do not want to afford going out or ordering food, I can make a sandwich. If I do not feel up to making a sandwich I can eat the ingredients separately. I can make sure to have at least crackers and fresh fruit at home, as well as something in the freezer. There are shops that deliver groceries, so I can have fresh ingredients without having to brave the shop.

Sometimes my abilities to feed myself are conflicting with my ideas what constitutes a healthy meal. But you know what? The healthiest meal is the one I eat.

The last couple of days had me not eating the “healthy” meal, because I did not want that, and not eating something like pancakes with bacon, because I did not want to want that. So I did not eat until I felt sick. And seriously, pancakes and bacon would have been better for me. Here I still need to accept that a balanced meal might be the goal, but sometimes freezer pizza is the meal that is better, because it actually happens.

Exercise: List a couple of foods that take minimal to no preparation, that you are likely to eat and that will keep. Make sure to always have a couple of servings at home in case you just fall flat for a few days straight. Maybe you have a favorite comfort food for when you are ill?

It is not always possible to buy single portion sized food. But if you have snack packs or small containers you can divide things into portions. There is nothing wrong with freezing leftovers from a tin of ravioli or some such to have a snack handy.

Physical exercise

Exercise is good for me. I know that. But it is often so hard to get started, because my couch is awesome. It took me a while to find exercises that I actually like. For me it is walking and yin yoga. When I am doing these things, walking outdoors or stretching my body, I feel that this is good for me and I enjoy it deeply. Still, this is the first thing that falls off the bench.

I am using to-do lists both at work and at home, so I do not lose track of things. Yoga has been on the list for a while now.

But I am getting better at doing exercise in bits and pieces.

• If I do not go for a 20 km walk, I walk down to the post office. It is not much but it gets me out of doors.
• If I do not have time for a 90 minute yoga session, I make it 20 minutes.
• It is awesome if I can do the big program, but it is even more awesome if I do the small stuff regularly.

Exercise: Think about an activity you like or that you should do. It could be a physiotherapy program or yoga or squats or something like that. Something you always skip because by the time you remember to do it you are too tired to start. Do one single thing. One yoga pose. One part of the physiotherapy routine. Five push ups. And stop. You might experience a “now that I have started, it feels good and I could totally keep going!” This is good and I am not going to try and stop you. But then I would like you do this exercise another day. Do just one part of a whole thing that is daunting. And stop. Because this is all you need to do today.

Socializing

Meeting people can be amazing. Or horrible. Or both. I am impressively bad at this. When I am at parties I usually fall into the role of entertainer. This is a safe role, and one that sometimes generates energy for me. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes I really enjoy this, sometimes I run more or less on auto pilot.

Groups of more than 5 people are difficult for me and I tend to either be entertaining or shut up. I do better in smaller settings where I can be myself.

I know I should be able to always be myself, but I am shy and self conscious, and the more people are around the more I think that everybody else is more interesting than I am and just shut up.

So I socialize in small doses:

• Meeting friends one a 1:1 basis
• Getting in touch online
• Chatting
• Maybe picking up the phone
• Talking to colleagues at work
• Making small talk with strangers
• Meeting people for Pokémon Go

And when I find myself in bigger groups I keep an eye on me, checking if I am me or running a program, checking if I am okay or need some alone time. And when I feel uncomfortable I take care of myself, getting out of the group or whatever would help me. Even if people might find that weird.

I decline a lot of invitations. I often add a “thank you for inviting me, please keep thinking of me”, so people know that it is not that I do not like them.

I also opt out of things, that I would usually feel compelled to attend. Like, the second funeral in the same branch of the family in a short time period. I found that taking care of myself and adhering to social norms is sometimes mutually exclusive.

If you struggle with big(ish) gatherings, maybe these things might help you:

1. Plan downtime for afterwards. See how much time you need to unwind and plan for that. So if you know that after an evening out you need an hour on the couch, add that hour when you calculate when you have to head home. If you need two days after a weekend with people, do not make plans for those two days. Give yourself the time you need to recover. I am constantly surprised how much time I need between coming home from a social thing and going to bed. My life would be easier if I calculated for this.
2. Check in with yourself. Depending on the type of gathering, pick something that occurs regularly. That can be going to the buffet, the end of a round in the game you are playing, after each concert, whenever a phone rings… it helps to have an outside reminder. Or you could set your phone to buzz every half hour. When this happens: check how you feel. Are doing fine? Good! Keep going. Are you doing okay? Good enough for now, but think about ways to feel better than okay. Are you not okay? Time to act. Either change the situation you are in, like, go talk to different people, maybe step outside for a spell – if there is no outside, use the bathroom for a couple minutes to get cool water on your hands and neck or sit on the floor for a few breaths. Or go home. It is earlier than you had planned? So what. You do not have to stick to your plan if your plan no longer fits you.

If the gathering is at your place you face an extra challenge. You cannot just up and leave. Or ask your guests to go. Or can you? Have some ideas:

1. When you invite people to your place, tell them an end time. Tell them that you will have to throw them out at 9 p.m. – or whatever is appropriate for you. When setting that time, calculate your unwinding time into this. When the time comes, be firm. I am not talking “don’t finish your sentence” firm, but 5 to 10 minute firm. The first time this might be hard. Next time with the same people will be easier already. If you have an ally at the gathering, enlist them to support you. You do not have to do everything on your own.
2. Still check in with yourself. If you find you have to throw them out sooner, do so. Yes, that is changing the plan. It is allowed.
3. When people stay overnight, go to bed when you are tired. I went to bed at 11 p.m. at a New Year’s party. There is no law against this. You are not breaking the rules.
4. If at all possible: do the clean up later. Unless you can use clean up time as unwinding time. But you just worked hard for a couple hours being social. You do not have to top that off with being tidy when you are already worn out.

I do miss out on a lot of fun this way, like when I do not go to a filk convention because I do not feel up to it.

I have found that it is easier for me to go to filk cons where I know fewer people, because that way I meet with fewer expectations (real or imagined) and am less likely to fall into my “usual role” because I do not really have one.

It is easier to stay “me”.

My hope is to get enough practice at being me that I can stay me even in groups of people who might have different ideas about who I am.

Work

Work can mean both a gainful employment or household chores or paperwork and all these things.

My day job is actually easiest for me, because I have learned to switch to “functioning mode”. Which also makes it the most dangerous. If I run on “functional” for too long it both eats up all my energy and makes me less aware of how I actually feel.

At home I have drastically adjusted my expectations of what level of tidiness and organization I can achieve. I hand in my tax declaration on time, pay my bills and keep things reasonably in order. I have not filed paperwork in about a year and honestly cannot tell when I last dusted or cleaned the windows. My sheets do not get changed every week, more every month. My bath and kitchen do not get cleaned on a weekly basis, but they get cleaned. Not necessarily a complete once over, but one day the sink, next week the toilet.

For things to do at home I have a system. I lie down on the couch and choose something to watch on TV and fiddle with my tablet. In the advertising break I put down the tablet and do one thing: round up the dishes. Back to couch. Pick up all the clothes and sort them into “laundry” and “still good”. Back to couch. Collect the waste paper. Back to couch. And so on. This means I am giving myself permission to do just one thing for a limited time. Sometimes I keep going, but I do not have to.

At work and at home I use lists. Because my brain is a sieve. But it took me a while to figure out how to actually write a to-do list. Should be easy, right? Here are a couple thoughts that I found helpful:

1. Put good things on your list. Something fun. I often find it easier to allow myself fun stuff when it is on the list.
2. Find your personal balance. If you need the feeling of achieving an absolute lot, put small stuff on the list: Change toilet paper. Split tasks up: Start laundry. Hang laundry. Fold clean clothes. Sort clothes away. That way you can tick off a lot of things. It also makes your list very long. Only you know what your balance is.
3. Prioritize. At work probably everyone does that. But at home? I always mark the things that definitely have to happen today. So I can see at one glance that there are 7 items, but only 3 for today.
4. New day, new list. Or whatever rhythm gives you comfort. But if you only ever add to an existing list it just gets longer and less easy to scan for important/urgent stuff.
5. Put it somewhere visible. I fail at this. My list is on my couch table. Usually under something else. This is not helpful. Like, at all.

Not everyone likes lists. In case you would like a more tangible, lasting thing you could try a bullet journal. This is a mix of calendar, scrapbook, diary, to-do lists and project planning. You can make it much prettier than a to-do list and also have your personal history to look at. I have never used one, mostly because I have a knack of losing things on my couch, but have heard good things about them.

Exercise: pick one task at home that is bothering you because it has not happened in a while. Do a bit. Dust one shelf. Clean one side of one window. Pick up only red clothes. Remove only the metal items from the cluttered kitchen counter. This is enough.If you want to keep going I am not going to stop you, because it will make you happy to have it done. Leave the exercise for another day and do just one thing and stop. Because one thing is better than no thing and one thing is enough. Not one thing a day. But one thing when you can.

To sum it up

I cannot do everything perfectly. Most times I cannot even to one thing perfectly. But with adjusting my expectations and doing things halfway, I can do enough.
Is there a voice in your head saying that other people expect better of you? Want to know a secret? It does not matter if they do. Most won’t notice untidiness because either their place looks no different or because they actually come to see you and not to evaluate your housekeeping skills. Some will notice, but I repeat: it does not matter if they do. What matters is how you feel, not what others might or might not expect.

There is a saying. “Everything worth doing is worth doing badly”. If you want to do something, make an easygoing attempt. It will most likely leave you feeling better than giving up just because you cannot give it 100 %.

So if you find yourself in a situation where you are struggling, where you feel like you do not get anything done, I would like you to take a look at your day and see what you did.

Did you get up?
Did you brush your hair?
Did you eat?
Did you open your mail?
Did you somehow manage to hang on?

These are all things that count. These are all things worth being proud of. You are the only person who knows how hard it was to put on clean clothes. Why should you allow others to decide if this is enough?

Exercise: Take a couple of minutes a day, maybe for a week, and write down the things you did to care for yourself.
Read the list to yourself and tell yourself that you did well.
Try to stop there, without listing the things you did not do. Those go on your to-do list if they are important. And if they are not – why mention them at all?