Identify harmful mind sets and behaviors
There are a lot of mind sets and behaviors that are meant to be helpful but are instead making your life harder. Voices in your brain, motivational posters, well meaning people… there are a lot of things that sound good on the surface but are actually harmful.
I can do that self care thing later, first the important stuff
First I do the dishes and the laundry, I can do yoga later. First I do the shopping and cooking, I can meditate later. First I wrap the presents, I can take a walk later. First I do the important stuff, the fun stuff comes later. Sound familiar? Same here.
For some weird reason I treat self care as a reward for chores completed. The fun stuff after the important stuff. This is what we have learned since we were kids: First do the homework, play later.
This is wrong.
Say it with me: “This is wrong”.
Self care is not a reward. Self care is work. Self care is a basic necessity. It is not conditional on good behavior. Self care is as important as eating and sleeping. And yes, I tend to cut my sleep short when I have a lot to do, because I can sleep later. I need to work on this.
If you want to do the important, necessary things first, start with self care. Just because it has no deadline, no immediate negative effect if you skip it once it is no less important and no less urgent. There will always be something else coming up later.
It will be too dark to go out, you will be too tired for yoga, you find yourself with extra tasks on your hands or just get lost in the Internet. If you do self care later it is very likely that it will not happen.
Exercise: Do some self care. Right now. No, not after you finish the chapter, right now. It can be as quick as reminding yourself that you are an amazing person and you can be proud of yourself.
This is not worth mentioning, I can deal.
We get told not to get worked up over nothing, not to blow things up out of proportion, to just shrug it off, grow a thicker skin. In case you need to hear this: If you get worked up about it, it is not nothing. If something hurts you it is worth mentioning. Your feelings are valid.
Yes, you could just let it slide. And yes, sometimes I do not have the wherewithal not to, and that is okay. Whatever gets you through the day as okay as possible, but in the long run you know that small annoyances build up until a small pain is a big bleeding wound. Until an eye roll is a powder keg. Until you either fall apart or blow up, neither of which will be fun for anyone involved.
Be kind to yourself and the other person and speak up as soon as you can. Do not wait until it is hard to remain civil. You are worth it. You deserve being happy. You deserve being seen and heard.
Go to school now and if you still feel sick you can come home early.
A classic. I still obey this rule when I feel sick on a work day. Calling in sick is hard. It always feels like shirking, unless I am missing an arm. I cannot count the times I told my doctor to not write me off sick. The times I sat at work either in pain or sweating with fever, coughing my lungs out or just crying at my desk the whole day. Days on which I did not get any useful work done. Days that either slowed my healing or actually made me worse. Days where I infected the rest of the office and probably a bunch of people on the bus. Days where I kept colleagues from working because they were worried about me. When I was no help to anyone even though this had been the sole reason for me to show up at all.
My brain knows that it is better to stay home sooner for one or two days than to stay home for two weeks later. My brain knows that it is better to keep my germs to myself. My brain knows that it is no use to go to work just to warm the chair. But still I go. Or when I call in sick, I feel guilty.
Once I have figured out how to overcome this conditioning I will share. Until then I just tell you: You are allowed to stay home. You are allowed to stay home. You are allowed to stay home.
And if you need more than my general permission: When you feel sick, ask a friend for permission if you do not feel like going to the doctor. If you go see a doctor: Ask them to write you off sick. Even if it is “just” for “I did not sleep all night and feel horrible”.
If you are seeing a doctor about chronic pain or mental illness, they will most likely be prepared to write you off sick when you tell them that you are currently going through a bad phase. Mental health is a thing. Sometimes you need a break to regain or sustain it.
Exercise: Take a deep breath. Tell yourself, out loud: “My health matters. My well being matters. I am allowed to take care of me.”
Trauma in media
This is slowly turning into a pet peeve. When you see, hear or read a story with a character who has experienced some trauma or other it is often dealt with in a way that raises unrealistic expectations.
They do one meditation to realize the root of their problem. They have a good cry and then are able to open up and trust other people. They just have to talk about their father dying in a fire and then can save a kid from a burning building, overcoming their fire phobia. Once conquered, the problem stays conquered. This is not how any of this works in real life, at least not for me.
It can help to realize where issues come from. But knowing is not conquering. You need patience, constant work and vigilance, maybe therapy, maybe long term medication. And even then the chances are that you will never be completely “cured”. You will most likely face remissions. You will take steps back. You will struggle, you will stumble, you will fall, you will get up again, you will nurse your bruises.
Having mental illness or chronic pain depicted as something that you can just overcome is harmful, because it makes it harder to explain to yourself and others why this is taking you so long and why you are not well again already, or why you do not just stay well. There is no happily ever after. There is no done with once and for all.
There is getting better, developing better coping skills. There is getting worse, and getting better again. It is more complex than can fit into a 90 minute movie. Or, well, 120 minutes, because nobody makes 90 minute movies anymore. Even love does not conquer everything. It helps a lot and makes life much nicer, but it does not fix a person. Expecting it to puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on a relationship that will probably do more harm than good.
Exercise: Tell yourself that you are enough. Tell yourself that Rome wasn’t built in one day, and that it is okay to need time. Tell yourself that you are working on it.
Is there any tangible improvement compared to last year or two or three years ago? Do you sleep better? Have you picked up or increased an activity? Do you feel better? Appreciate and cherish the improvement.
Giving is better than taking
Everyone knows this one. But is it true? Is it healthy? No on both counts.
Why?
First off, one does no work without the other. You cannot give something if there is no one to take it. You cannot take something if there is no one giving. It is as simple as that. Saying one is better than the other would be like saying breathing in is better than breathing out. You need to do one to be able to do the other, they do not work separately, but even if it did work that way it would not be true.
Sure, it is noble to share and give. And it is comfortable to be in a position to be able to do so.
It is tough work to really accept something that is given, especially if it is something you need and could not have gotten otherwise, because it comes with shame, with guilt, with embarrassment. To overcome all these in order to truly accept something is hard. To maybe even overcome these to ask for something in the first place is even harder.
Giving is often much easier. Giving is having control over your resources. Taking, or accepting, is needing the resources. So giving happens from a position of power. And it makes you feel good about yourself. Taking often makes you feel needy, inadequate. Accepting help makes you feel wanting.
In training people by saying “giving is better” you make it even harder for those who need, which is kind of unfair. Giving might feel more comfortable than taking, which is not the same thing as being better.
But let us get back to the shame, the guilt, the feeling of being inadequate that often comes with asking for something or accepting something that you need.
Where does this come from?
One part is the belief that we need to make it on our own, which is, basically, ridiculous. I do not grow my own corn, mill my own grain, bake my own bread. I need people who produce my food, my furniture, who fix my car and my health. No one would expect me to do all of that by myself.
You might say “But I pay for these things!” and this would be both true and beside the point. Yes, I pay for these things, but I still need people to make them and I need people to pay me money for the things that I do. So we could reduce it to “It is okay to trade, but I need to offer something of equal worth”. And let me tell you: No, you don’t.
The person who offers you something – help, advice, banana bread, friendship – knows whether or not they are comfortable offering that. They are grown-up people in control of their resources. And you are always giving something back.
You give thanks.
You give them the chance to feel good about having done something nice.
You give up a part of your defenses.
It takes strength and trust to accept help or ask for help.
Be proud of yourself for being able to tell when you need help and having the guts to ask for it.
Exercise 1: Think back to the last time you helped someone within your abilities. How did this make you feel? Did you feel good about yourself? Maybe even proud? Don’t worry, no one can hear your thoughts, and even if they could: it is okay to be proud of yourself. Go you!
Now ask yourself: Would your friends feel good when they help you? And no, that is not different because it is you who gets the help. Your friends feel good for doing something nice the same way as you do.
Exercise 2: Think back on the last time someone helped you. Did they seem to mind or did they say “no problem” or “my pleasure” and smile at you? Did it save you precious energy? Did you feel guilty after it happened? I often feel guilty when I ask, but not after it happened, because then I see that for the other it was “no biggie”. If it is similar for you: try to keep this in mind the next time.
Exercise 3: Think back on the last time someone told you they could not help you with something. Did you get the thing done anyway? Was there someone else who could step in? Was it a tragedy? My guess is that you probably got things done with the downside of maybe becoming more hesitant to ask next time. Now, when someone asks you for help that you cannot give: remember this. Find out how bad it would be if you did not help.
Exercise 4: Think back to the last time you overextended while either helping someone or declining help yourself. How did that make you feel? Did you pay for that later? Did you berate yourself, adding to the cost? Now imagine you had accepted help or said that you could not assist. Would you have paid as much? Felt as bad?
There will be someone who says that the last time they helped someone, the person was mean to them and they wondered why they bothered. They’ll say that the last person who helped them constantly complained, or that because they did not receive help they could not go to a wedding which would have been the last chance to talk to someone there.
These things happen. I know they do, and it sucks when they do. The odds are that these are the exceptions, and having something bad happen once should not keep you from living your best life.
“Try harder”
One therapist once told me something that was a real game changer for me.
She said “If you could have gotten better by trying harder it would not be a depression”.
This can be rephrased into “If you could have gotten better by trying harder you would be better already”.
Whatever it is you are dealing with, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, self doubts, executive dysfunction, chronic pain or illness: It is not about trying harder. It never was.
If trying harder is not the solution, what is? Would it not be nice if I had a simple answer for that? Motivational posters will tell you to work smarter, not harder, which might be good advice but which is also kind of vague, because it has to be. There is no one true answer as everybody is different and needs different things.
One thing is: Do not try do get it all done by yourself. Especially when you are dealing with mental illness or chronic pain there is a point where you need professional help. This book is not therapy.
It took me a very long time to accept that I need help and that things will not get better on their own if I just give it more time and, yes, try harder. I made it worse, like walking on with a broken foot. Not only does it postpone healing but it causes more damage.
I know that therapy is a privilege. You need time, energy and someone who pays for it, which is not always health care. And I know that at the point where you need it most you feel like you least deserve it. Also it is not made easy for you to get. Some applications for therapy at a hospital or a similar institution or for rehab get denied in the first try. Sometimes it takes a long time to find a therapist you feel good about and who has time to take you on as a patient. Sometimes people say “But I cannot do without you here” or “But you seem to be doing okay”. Sometimes it takes all you have left and the help of friends or family or doctors to get you there. For me it was the best investment in myself that I ever made.
Other things are more flexible regarding the time and in ways of money cheaper, but still hard, like learning to cut yourself some slack.
You fell back into an old routine? It happens.
You did not manage to look after yourself? It happens.
What often works for me is to treat myself as I would treat a friend. They are sad and feel like a failure? I make space for them on the couch, give them a fuzzy blanket, ask if they have eaten and give them a hug. I tell them that they will do better tomorrow and all is well and I love them anyway.
Exercise: Think of yourself as a person you love. If this person was feeling like you are feeling now, what would you do? How would you react? How could you comfort them? If you do not feel up to making “your friend” a soup just see if you have some crackers to offer. You do not want to make that effort for you? This is why you think of yourself as your friend. Make the effort for your friend. You know they are worth it.
To be happy you need to make someone else happy
Actually, I don’t. Of course it would make me happy to make other people happy. But that is not the one and only way to go about this.
To be happy I need to do something that makes me happy. Which can be any number of things. I can take a long, hot, bone melting bath. I can eat tasty food. I can go for a walk. I can apply make-up just to look pretty in my pj’s alone on the couch or take a nap. I can sing along to the advertisement jingles, I can throw darts at the picture of my long ago neighbor, I can weed my flower pots, read a book, dye my hair, crochet a pink and yellow striped frog. I do not do all of these things, but I could.
Putting the focus on other people is what has landed many of us in the mess we are in in the first place. Always making others happy, always being useful, functional, cheerful and convenient. The trick is to find things that you can do that make you happy.
A month on the Bahamas would probably make me happy, but it is outside my available choices, so thinking about that would probably only make me sad.
I also know that in different situations different things fall under both “possible” and “makes me happy”, because my abilities and needs vary. I have a list on my kitchen door with things that make me happy. I need to update this, but even if I do not often look at this list, I know the things on it because I took the time to think about this and write it down. And it is reassuring to know that if I feel completely lost I can just look at the list and pick the thing that appeals most right now. On my list are things like taking a walk, calling a friend, making music, making art, doing yoga, taking a bath, reading a nice gay romance novel and such.
Exercise: Make a list of things that give you joy. Keep in mind different levels of mental cope and physical ability. It does not need to be a complete list. You can always add things, strike things. Add at least one thing that you can almost always do, like watch a couple episodes of your favorite show, something that takes little or no preparation and no energy to do.
Just put on a brave face
There are studies that say smiling releases endorphin and that by giving yourself the appearance of being happy you will actually become happy. In the case of “I just missed that effing bus and had to walk” this can totally work. A change of attitude can change a lot. Some people seem to like complaining. A lot. The same people never seem happy with anything. Which is no coincidence.
If you always focus on the stuff that did not work it is hard to enjoy life. Sometimes it is enough to realize this and actively change the way you react. The initial response might still be “effing bus!”, but it is your choice if and how you tell others about the incident. You can tell it as a tragedy or a comedy. Thinking about it differently can change how you feel about it.
In cases of exhaustion, despair, angst or serious pain smiling will not fix things. In those cases you cannot actually change how you think about something, you can only pretend to feel differently. And that is rather likely to make things worse, because pretending to be okay does two things:
- It costs energy.
Energy you currently do not have. Pretending to be cheerful, joking with people is often possible for me, but when the people have left I feel drained. - It takes awareness away from how you feel.
This might sound like a good idea on the surface, because if you feel bad you might not want to be aware of this. But being less aware yourself means that you also do not take the necessary steps to get better or at least not worse. Keeping others unaware also means that they cannot accommodate for how you feel, even if they wanted to.
If you are working in the service sector there are limits to how honest you can be about your current state. Customers do not want to be cried on. Where possible, among friends or close colleagues, try to present as close to how you feel as you feel safe with. It will cost you less and it will give others an idea of how much you can take today.
Don’t get your hopes up
Someone will always warn you not to get excited about something, not to get your hopes up so you won’t be too disappointed when things don’t work out perfectly.
Maybe you even think that if you start hoping or believing in something you will jinx it. Like I do. There is every indication that a positive mind set can help accomplish things, because believing in something gives you energy and lets you put a wholehearted effort in, instead of just a token attempt.
There is also the very logical reasoning that if something does not work out the optimist at least had a good time before, might even recover quicker because they can get enthusiastic about something else again sooner.
I do not know how many of you are optimists, though. I am not. I have to work hard to have hope. I have to work to not dampen my own excitement. I have to work to stay positive, let alone enthusiastic about something. And everyone who is “trying to help” by warning me not to be too optimistic is crushing this positivity I worked so hard for.
So please, do get your hopes up, if you can. Get excited about things. Put your heart into something. Sure, it might fail. Then you can learn and fail better next time. Or it might succeed, which would be awesome.
Either way, it is possible and totally allowed to enjoy the journey regardless of the outcome.
Challenge: Fasting is not a new concept. It can be good for the body if done correctly. Some of my friends use it not as refraining from certain foods to cleanse the body but to do without TV or without social media for a while, which can be good for the mind. Now I learned someone is planning to do without pessimism for a couple of weeks.
Unlike eating certain foods or turning on the TV, thoughts are involuntary. So you cannot just not have them. And a couple of weeks is a darn long time. But if this is something you struggle with, maybe say “the first two days of a month”?
And maybe say that in that time, whenever pessimistic thoughts come up, you actively try to remember a moment when you succeeded at something that made you happy? Or do something positive? Small steps count. Effort counts. It won’t be easy and it will take practice and patience, but might well be worth a try.